Healing from Sexual Abuse – The Problem with Anger

Healing from sexual abuse requires commitment and patience. It takes many years of careful mindfulness and expert help in the form of a qualified practitioner.

I continue with my commitment to Dr Rajan Sankaran as I believe that homeopathy is one of the most potent healing modalities that we have today. He is also a great healer and I feel that he always knows where I am in my healing process and is there to help.

There are many stages to healing and it does not all go in a straight line; there are ups and downs, times of shame, of denial and grief. It is a similar process to that of death and dying.

It has taken me over five years to get in touch with the anger towards my father and the other men who abused me. Anger was there all my life but, like many women, I had turned the anger within. It has taken so long to really feel the anger and pain of what happened to me. These things are so deeply buried within us.

Today for the first time really, I felt this anger. It was so huge, white hot in its energy. It had been coming for weeks; I was feeling stressed and agitated and had been denying these feelings, not wanting to look at them. Then something happened to open the anger up and there it was right in my face.

The anger was at the damage – emotionally, physically and mentally – that my father had caused. It was dreadful to see this so clearly for the first time, to understand the full depth of it.

Then there was the grief and regret, the privations of life, not being able to really sustain a healthy relationship, the fear of sexual relations and of course the loss of having children and family. The feelings were bitter and painful when then came up. But they were out, and I could now see them and come to terms with them.

I took my hands then imagined that I was strangling my father (who is now deceased). It was a spontaneous gesture of raw anger, there was a primal sound that came out of me while I was doing this.  Never had I been able to express any anger to him as a child, I was always too terrified. The gesture within the safety of my own home was deeply therapeutic. Again, it is good to have a trained practitioner from whom to learn these healing methods of expression. It is better to not try and do everything on your own, at least in the beginning.

Anger is a terrible thing, when it is locked up and turned within. In many ways, I can see the times that I have turned the anger within, sabotaged my life and feared success and money. These are my own patterns and difficulties.

Each person’s patterns are different and there are many therapies that help one to express and bring this anger out in a safe way.

Sexual crimes against children and adults are some of the worst crimes to be committed. The toll on life and development cannot be underestimated.  We all need to hold hands and help each other along in our journeys and share this with the world.

Carolyn Shanti