The Trauma and Turmoil Within- Healing from Sexual Abuse

The itching and soreness are intense at times. For eight months I have suffered the red and irritated patches of skin in different parts of my body. Today there is another area on my leg. I felt horror when I saw it this morning, each day there seem to be new patches. The horror that is still inside me is from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child from my father and his sex trafficking ring of men, that abused young girls and children. The sexual crimes of the rich and famous.

What an atrocity to have a father like this; how can one every come to terms with it? It is a battle between wanting to go into denial and the longing for healing and light at the deepest level. There is such grief at having suffered such cruelty instead of love, comfort and nurturing.

I am told that scars of past trauma, because roots go so deep, do re-surface. One must take good care from professionals at these times. My skin is clearly expressing the dis-ease within, the stress of years of unlocked memory.

The itching started in the Netherlands. I could not at that time have anything to do with my book ‘Trap, Prey, Lust’, the hidden sexual crimes of the rich and famous. It had been published some few months before. I could not accept what had been done to me as a young child. I burnt the book one evening in the forest, deep in the silence. The book to me was traumatizing and I thought how I could I have ever created a book that seemed like a monster. It was soon after the burning of the book that the skin rashes started. The body was trying to tell me something, but I was still deep in denial, not able to own the hideous story of the book. 

I returned to India in June and in November took part in a retreat based on Dr Rajan Sankaran’s WISE process (Witnessing the Inner Song Experience) at his retreat site in Apti near Mumbai. www.sampoornamhealing.com These processes take you very deep within to understand your own pattern and reactions to the external events of life. Dr Rajan talks about why we are so stressed and we learn from him that it is because of our perceptions of our experiences that we are so traumatized and disturbed by our lives.

The antidote to this is to become aware. If we don’t create this awareness inside us, then the stress and disturbance are experienced inside us as disease. The problems are within and not on the outside.

For me, my own skin was manifesting the horror and turmoil inside me. And so, in the retreat I started to go into one of the deepest cleansings that I have experienced in the six years that I have been treated by Dr Sankaran. All my life, my body had deeply held this trauma from childhood within my being, never seeing the light of day.

One morning in the retreat I started crying from the pain and itching from the red rashes on my skin, then I started to shake violently and had to lie down. One of the doctors came to be with me and I was going into another terrible memory of the sexual abuse and terror that I had felt as a child. I was terrified that they were again coming to torture and violate me once more. My body was shaking and cleansing the memory free, my abdomen was contracting with the shock of violation. I was crying and crying, pleading for them not to come for me again.

From this experience I was finally set free. It immediately enabled me to take on my book again and to dedicate myself to creating greater awareness in the world about what sexual abuse is and how deep the scars and trauma are in the body.

Each day I see the faces of the young girls who were sexually trafficked and abused by Jeffrey Epstein and the rich and famous men who held their sexual crimes safely locked behind closed doors of elegant mansions around the globe. Then there is the spine-chilling account in the press of how Epstein’s girlfriend procured girls for his sexual appetites from all over the world. It is the very stuff of my own book about the sex clubs and the rich famous and aristocratic families in England who lived their lives around their clubs.

Every time I see these young girls faces, I long to reach out to them, to help, to console. I dedicate my life now to making a difference in this world; this terrible sexual abuse must stop. It is our role as women to help each other and to make a real difference.

Carolyn Shanti.

November 2019